Why Do I Find Comfort in Sadness? Exploring Emotional Patterns with Dr. Susan Hollander, Ph.D.

Understanding the Complex Relationship with Sadness

As a psychotherapist, I’ve often sat across from clients who ask me, “Why do I find comfort in sadness?” It’s a question that touches on our mental health, emotions, and everyday life. Feeling sad, and sometimes even feeling comfortable with sadness, is more common than you might think.

Many find solace in sadness, possibly because it’s familiar and feels normal. Globally, depression affects about 5% of adults, it may not sound so much but it amounts to approximately 280 million people. Women are affected more than men, with about 6% of women and 4% of men experiencing depression​ (World Health Organization (WHO)).

In this blog, I’m here to help you uncover the reasons behind this phenomenon, recognize the negative effects of staying in that emotional state, and guide you on your path to personal growth and mental wellness.

The Familiarity of Sadness

One reason sadness feels comforting is because it’s familiar. Our brain’s reward system may associate this feeling with safety, particularly if we’ve felt deep sadness frequently in our lives. In a way, sadness becomes our comfort zone—it’s a place where we know what to expect, even when we feel sad. This emotional state, though painful, feels safer than stepping into the unknown territory of happiness or joy.

This isn’t necessarily healthy, but it’s understandable. Our brains tend to gravitate towards the familiar, even when it’s not good for us. Recognizing these patterns and understanding why we feel comfort in sadness is the first step to breaking free. By reflecting on why this happens, you’ll start to open up to new, healthier emotional experiences. In 2017, around 17.3 million adults in the U.S. went through at least one major depressive episode (World Population Review).

Family History and Patterns of Loss

In my work, I often see how family history and patterns of past loss shape a person’s emotional state today. If your life has been marked by considerable grief, deep sadness, or depressive disorder, your brain might be holding onto these emotions as a way to deal with everyday life. It’s common for those with a history of sadness to feel as though they deserve it. Doing so reinforces negative emotions and blocks their ability to feel happy or experience joy.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking the cycle of sadness. If you find yourself feeling sad more often than not, consider whether your past experiences have conditioned you to feel that way. Understanding that feeling depressed doesn’t have to be your default state opens the door to personal growth and mental wellness.

Breaking Free from Negative Thought Patterns

Sadness can become a habit—an emotional state we return to time and time again, even when it doesn’t serve us anymore. In therapy, I work with clients to overcome depression by identifying thought patterns that keep them feeling sad. Negative emotions, such as sadness, become so ingrained that they feel normal, even though they are far from healthy.

Through mindfulness, meditation, and self-affirmation, we start to reduce the thought patterns that keep us stuck. Addressing these patterns is important because depression significantly impacts healthcare systems. In the United States alone, depression accounted for about 15 million physician office visits, representing 11% of all visits where depression was the primary diagnosis ​(CDC). These small but significant efforts help shift your mood, allowing you to experience joy and feel happy in everyday moments.

The Belief That We Don’t Deserve Happiness

Many people I work with struggle with the belief that they don’t deserve to feel happy. Sadness feels more familiar, while happiness seems distant or even uncomfortable. If you’ve spent years feeling sad, the idea of happiness might seem wrong, like something you haven’t earned or don’t know how to maintain.

It’s important to recognize this thought pattern for what it is—a false belief. Everyone deserves happiness, including you. Personal growth involves challenging these ingrained ideas and learning that feeling happy is possible and natural. Embrace the moments of joy when they come and remind yourself that these feelings are just as valid as sadness.

Moving Beyond Sadness

One of the biggest challenges in overcoming habitual sadness is learning to expand your emotional comfort zone. Just as our bodies become accustomed to certain routines, our minds can get stuck in familiar emotional patterns. This emotional inertia can keep us locked in cycles of sadness, even when we consciously want to change.

1. Identify Your Emotional Triggers

• The first step to breaking free from the comfort of sadness is to identify the triggers that lead you back to these familiar feelings. Triggers can be external, like specific environments, people, or stressful events. They can also be internal, like negative self-talk or memories. Keeping a journal of your moods and what precedes them can help you spot these patterns. For instance, if you notice that feelings of inadequacy often appear after scrolling through social media, that’s an actionable trigger you can start to address.

2. Reframe Negative Thoughts

• Cognitive reframing is a powerful tool in therapy and personal growth. When sadness tells you that you are not enough or that happiness is out of reach, counter those thoughts with evidence of your strengths and past successes. This isn’t about forcing positivity but rather balancing the narrative in your mind. For example, instead of thinking, “I always fail,” you can reframe it as, “I’ve faced challenges before and have learned from them.” This small shift can significantly impact your overall mood and self-perception.

3. Create Space for Joy

• Creating space for joy means intentionally inviting positive experiences into your life. This doesn’t mean you need to be happy all the time, but rather that you start to make room for moments that bring you pleasure or peace. Simple activities like spending time in nature, engaging in a hobby, or connecting with loved ones can begin to tilt the balance away from sadness. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or yoga, can also help you stay present and appreciate these small moments of joy.

4. Set Small, Achievable Goals

• One of the most effective ways to combat feelings of sadness and build self-worth is by setting and achieving small, manageable goals. These goals don’t have to be monumental; they can be as simple as going for a daily walk, cooking a healthy meal, or completing a task you’ve been putting off. Achieving these small wins helps to rebuild your confidence and sense of agency, showing you that you are capable of more than you might think.

5. Build a Supportive Network

• Isolation can exacerbate feelings of sadness, making it feel even more like a familiar, inescapable state. Building a supportive network of friends, family, or support groups can provide a buffer against negative emotions. Sharing your struggles with trusted individuals can alleviate the burden and offer new perspectives on your challenges. Remember, you are not alone in your feelings, and reaching out can be a powerful step toward recovery.

6. Consider Professional Guidance

• Self-help methods can work. But, sometimes, you need a professional’s help. Therapy offers a structured, non-judgmental space to explore your emotions and develop healthier coping mechanisms. A therapist can help you navigate the complex feelings surrounding sadness and self-worth, providing tailored strategies to help you move forward.

If you’re hesitant about therapy, think of it as self-care. Just as you would visit a doctor for a physical issue, addressing your emotional well-being is equally important. Taking that first step toward emotional healing can make a significant difference in your life.

I, Dr. Susan Hollander, am here to support and guide you on your journey to rediscovering joy and balance. Together, we can explore your emotions in a safe and compassionate space, working towards a healthier, happier you. Don’t hesitate to reach out—your path to well-being starts with the courage to seek help. Call me today to begin your journey.

How the Brain Adapts to Emotional States

Have you ever found yourself drawn to sad movies or stories that evoke deep sadness? It’s not just the plot—it’s your brain. Our emotional state can become “addicted” to sadness, triggering a sense of comfort and even pleasure from familiar emotions. This psychological response can make it feel like finding comfort in sadness is natural, but it’s important to understand that these moments reinforce patterns that are harder to break.

Mindfulness and awareness of what you take in emotionally help. Recognizing when you’re leaning into sadness and making a conscious effort to engage with more uplifting content will help you find balance and reclaim a healthier emotional state.

The Path to Joy

Part of my role as a psychotherapist is to help people navigate from sadness to joy. It’s not about forcing happiness but learning to embrace feeling happy without guilt. Therapy offers support and strategies to help expand your emotional range and feel comfortable with emotions beyond sadness. By making small, consistent efforts, you can begin to feel happy and maintain emotional well-being.

Approaches like inner child healing, mindfulness, and psychodynamic therapy help to rebuild a healthy relationship with your emotions. This journey isn’t about eliminating sadness but learning to recognize it as one part of a broader emotional spectrum that includes joy and happiness.

Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, sadness goes beyond comfort—it becomes overwhelming. Severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm are signs that it’s time to seek professional help. You don’t have to deal with these feelings alone. Therapy provides a space where you can safely explore your emotions, recognize the signs of severe depression, and receive support to find healthier ways of coping.

I, Dr. Susan Hollander, am here to help you understand your emotions and work through the pain. Therapy is a safe and supportive space where you can share your story without judgment. Let’s work together to find comfort in healthier emotions and take the next step toward emotional balance. Reach out today to schedule a session and start your journey to well-being. You are not alone, and you deserve to feel happy. Contact me to begin this healing process.

Learn more about what to expect when you have a session with me.

Here’s what one client had to say about their experience:
“I recommend Susan to anyone looking for counseling. Her office is warm and inviting, and her counseling style is refreshing…like talking to someone real who actually listens. Susan is clear-headed, direct, and very supportive. She helped me get ‘unstuck’ and get back on track. Susan is very experienced with practical advice and insights. Susan really made a difference.” – Dottie M.

Finding Comfort in Healthy Emotions

It’s okay to feel sad—we all do. But finding comfort in sadness should not be the default. Emotions like joy, happiness, and peace are also available to you, and it’s possible to feel comfortable experiencing them. Recovery is a journey, and with support, you can embrace a fuller range of emotions that enrich your well-being.

If sadness has become a familiar companion, know that it doesn’t have to be the only one. Therapy can guide you toward healthier emotional states and help you feel comfortable in moments of happiness and joy. Let’s take this journey together.

What are the negative consequences of staying in a prolonged state of sadness?

Remaining in a prolonged state of sadness can have both emotional and physical impacts. Emotionally, it may deepen feelings of isolation and hopelessness, making it harder to engage with positive aspects of life.

Physically, chronic sadness can contribute to sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and weakened immune function, leaving the body more vulnerable to illness. Additionally, it can lead to decreased motivation and a sense of emotional fatigue, further hindering personal growth and overall well-being.

Why do I feel depressed even when everything seems fine in my life?

Feeling depressed despite having no apparent reason is more common than people realize. This can happen due to underlying biological factors such as chemical imbalances in the brain, genetic predispositions, or past emotional trauma that may not be fully resolved.

Sometimes, the pressure to appear happy when life seems to be going well can actually intensify feelings of sadness or depression, as individuals may struggle with internal conflicts about their self-worth or emotional needs.

What should I do if I have suicidal thoughts but don’t want to worry others?

It’s important to take suicidal thoughts seriously, even if you don’t want to burden others. You are not alone, and there are many types of confidential resources available that provide support without involving immediate family or friends. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and support is available when you need it.

Please contact the Colorado Crisis Services if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts. You can call 1-844-493-8255  or text ‘talk’ to 38255.